Episode 1 Transcript

Mia: “Welcome back to All The Little Things, the podcast where we explore the small habits that lead to lasting impact. Today, we're diving into the power of small, intentional shifts in our daily lives. How minor mindset changes can create major breakthroughs. 

 

Brooke: Our guest today is Dr. Coyte Cooper, a best-selling author, TEDx speaker, and high-performance coach who has dedicated his career to helping people maximize their potential. From being an NCAA All-American wrestler to a professor at UNC, and then navigating an unexpected career shift, he has experienced firsthand how perspective and small intentional actions can transform setbacks into opportunities.  

 

Kiki: Coyte, we're excited to have you here. “Before we dive in, let's set the stage. What first sparked your passion for helping people unlock their full potential?” 

 

Coyte: Yeah, that's a good question. There's kind of like a, as I went into my teaching at the college level, I think that was one of my drivers, right? It was like to, I loved working with students and, and just trying to help them set themselves up to like really go out and have like a great life. “But I think as I look back, like I kind of always had a little bit of that in me. Like I think when I was in, I remember when I was in high school, my senior project, I decided to do a camp for like kids. And like, that was something I really enjoyed. And when I was in high school, I really loved like working with my teammates and helping like the young guys be better. And so as you look back, you don't always see this in the moment, but I think that's kind of been a theme throughout my life. It's like, I like to coach, I like working with people. And so I started to do that in different roles. I did it as a professor. And then now I think right now is probably the most, just the best fit it's ever been, because that's just what I do every day. I do probably 35 calls a week, just coaching people and I absolutely love it. But so the answer is, I think I started at points like that, but it's something I think I've always had in me.” 

 

Trae: “Coyte, this is Trey. I got a quick question for you. Do you feel like whenever you're teaching other people, you're actually learning the material so much more? I know I've had conversations with my dad that also does coaching calls. Him and my mom do marriage counseling. They coach other people in relationships. And he says that whenever he is teaching other people, it actually hard drives into his brain even more. Can you debrief a little bit on that?” 

 

Coyte: “I know I've had conversations with my dad that also does coaching calls. Him and my mom do marriage counseling. They coach other people in relationships. And he says that whenever he is teaching other people, it actually hard drives into his brain even more. Can you debrief a little bit on that? First, for sure, 100%. A great example is, I was out the last six days. I was in Los Angeles working with a team. And so I came back and I was reading a book. And there were a couple of ideas that really just resonated with the whole system I'm trying to teach. And it was this idea around... I'll just give you a little bit of framework, and I'll go about how I've worked it today. So one of my whole things is helping people shift their entire systems. I think we're way too heavily external-oriented. We tend to get really disappointed when we don't meet standards. I think it leads to a lot of unnecessary stress, fear, weight to everything that we do. And it's very common in America. “So I was on my way home when I was reading this book, and it was talking about this concept of the difference between finite games and infinite games, right? Finite games are... We're big on those in America, right? The idea of like, okay, like sport, it's win or lose. You win, great. You lose, not good at all. You should be disappointed. And it's that same thing we just talked about, but like infinite games are something different. They're like where we go, okay, like I'm not interested in doing that game. I don't want to do the win-loss thing. And I think of this as like scanning out more in your life and looking and going, listen, what I'm about is like trying to be the best that I can become, right? Like trying to go out and give a full effort, grow like crazy, see who I can become in this lifetime.” “And so I won't go into the details of that, but that really resonated, and I knew it would with my coaching clients. And so I had to get that dialed in, and so I really started thinking about it. And then there were some other concepts with that, but I went into my calls today and I just, I knew it was an idea that they needed to get. These are a lot of them athletes, performers. They're trying to make sure that they don't have too much pressure. They want to make sure that they're operating from like a more flow state. And so I went in today just with some notes, but just taught it as well as I can. And what's super, super cool is like, as you go along, you find those things that really resonate with people. You adjust, you tweak, but you start to really learn the materials.” “And you get to learn not only through the reps, but you get to learn the way they respond and what really lands with people. And so it's super cool that way. And then I've also found that as I coach and I coach people the best I can, they start to evolve, they start to personalize it. I think I probably learn as much in a week cubilatively. Excuse me.” 

 

Trae: “No, we know what you're saying.” 

 

Coyte: “But I learn as much from that, just from learning from them. My clients teach me a lot. And it's like, I used to think I needed to be the one only doing coaching, but as they grow, I learn from them and then I could turn around and give more to all the people I'm working with. So no question, like when you're teaching, like you're just learning like crazy. So yeah, no, that's a really important part, I think of being a coach and a teacher, and you need to, you know, you need to embrace that, because that repetition is super, super big.” 

 

Trae: “Wow, that's awesome, man. I play basketball for High Point, I'm a senior, and on our top wall, Nito Cobain, the president of the school, wrote, be gracious whether you win or lose. So it kind of resonates with what you're saying, just having an understanding that it's not all about winning and losing, but it's more about the journey, and just falling in love with the journey, and understanding that, you know, if we're playing for other people, if we're performing for other people and what they think of us, it's just going to perish, and it's going to lead us down a path that is, you know, going to be, we're going to be super anxious, we're going to be super empty, but, you know, for sure, myself, like I've talked with my guys on the team, like I'm a Christian, and so like we talk about the audience of one. God is the only one that we serve, and we play for them. Colossians 3.23 says, work wholeheartedly unto the Lord and not man, knowing that you've received your inheritance as your word and full. Serve the Lord Christ. “That's something we talked about, and whenever we play for God and God alone, it just frees us up completely, man, because no matter what, like we're winning, we're on God's side. So that's actually super cool that you just said that. That's awesome.” 

 

Coyte: “Yeah. Yeah. And one thing I would add to that, like, I think it's great, like a huge piece of what I'm trying to do with athletes, and this is for non-athletes as well as like, keep perspective, like no test, no competition are going to define who you are as a person, right? We choose to engage in these things, and I think it's super important that we learn to handle those things right. And we think about like, anything we do that we care about, exam, competition, if we go into those things, every person I work with, their intentions are good. Like they're not going out trying to goof up, like they're trying their best in the moment. And if you go out, you try your best, and you fall into patterns of disappointment, embarrassment, anger, which are really common. Like they're very, very common in our society. We're taught them from a young age to be upset and angry.” “But I always teach my athletes, like, if you fall into that, your brain will get engaged in the process. Your brain doesn't like pain. And when we fall into those states, we're dropping, you know, lower chemicals into our bloodstream. And our blood and our brain is going, I don't like that. And so what it always does is like, well, how do I get away from that? It's going to look for associated and blame, and it's going to turn around and it's going to blame the exact thing that you were doing. So if you want to be free as a competitor, and you're feeling disappointed heavily for long, any length of time on the back end, you're cultivating fear. And the thing is, most of my athletes and younger people that I work with will say like, they just feel like they've been taught, like, if I don't feel crappy, I don't care. And I always say, listen, if you care, you won't, you'll work hard not to feel crappy.” “And instead, you'll get to growth as quickly as you can. Like, because growth is like this thing, like, if we spent more time in our education, like teaching people to be more concerned about growth than outcomes, everybody would be so much better. We're so concerned about how things look and, and that disappointment when we don't meet a standard. But when athletes love growth, it like transforms everything. So I would continue to lead and like, you've already got a great framework and it's like, eliminate the clutter on the back end, get to growth. And all of a sudden, it's like magic. You just love what you're doing and you are free.” 

 

Trae: “Wow. That's big time. I love that, man. I think we have a couple more questions for you,” 

Brooke: “Yes. So in your TEDx talk, you shared a little bit about how little changes in your day led to bigger transformations. Can you take us back to that realization and maybe some advice that you would have for other listeners out there who are looking to make those changes as well?” 

 

Coyte: “Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, as I track back, I obviously had some bigger challenges in my life, and one of the biggest challenges was when I lost my job at the University of North Carolina, and it was pretty unexpected for me. I felt like I had done everything in my power. I had worked really hard. I had good numbers for everything that I needed, and then I lost my job. And I was really in a tough spot at that point. I didn't know. This is a big thing I teach now, is learning to do emotions, process emotions, to work with them. And at the time, I didn't know anything about it. I knew from reading, like, oh yeah, I'd be super positive. And so I was saying all the right things.” “I was saying, everything happens for a reason, and things will be good. And that ended up being true. But in the middle of that, I was feeling a lot of disappointment, embarrassment, a lot of these types of things. And so if we get the time, and we want to talk about we can, but one thing that really helped me was rituals helped me during that time. When you're going through a point where you're struggling, humans, we have a tendency to definitely get more negative in nature. When we're in lower emotional frequencies, we run negative thoughts. I was doing that. I was focused on what I didn't like about my situation, what I didn't want to happen, and that wasn't going to lead me anywhere good. And so I was just, I think I was fortunate. I tell people, I wish I could tell you the starting point was something like profound, but I was scrolling social media one day on Facebook, and there was a video from Robin Sharma, and he was just talking about the power of like two things, like number one, rising early in the morning and setting the tone in your “day. And he was talking about like, you'll get up at 5 a.m. and do the second thing, which is read the right books. He said it will transform your life. And I didn't like where I was at, and I'm the type where if I see something like that, I'll go, okay, I'm going to do that. And I just started to do that. And I just started to wake up early and read every single day. Two things happen. Number one is I wasn't used to waking up at 5 a.m. And so it would work well in the morning, but then I would go to work and I would teach my classes, and then I'd come home, and I had young kids at the time, and it would be like 4 p.m., and I'd just fall asleep on the rug. And I'd just imagine my wife being like, get up, you bum, help us.” “And so that was the first thing that happened. The second thing that happened was that this was the impactful part for your readers. That waking up and not touching my phone and making the first thing that I put into my mind, like productive books, was like, it was crazy impactful. I started to notice myself becoming like more positive, more optimistic, like authentically optimistic. And then when you read all the time, like you read consistently, you stumble upon ideas. And so for me, it was just starting with reading, rising early, that was game changing alone. But then you start to read about things like the power of gratitude. And you read it one time, and then you read it another time, and then you read it another time, and you start to go, I should probably do something with this. And then you go into like working on gratitude, and you go, oh my gosh, like it blows your mind, because it like really starts to change you.” “And I did that with things like that. I did it with meditation. I did it with a lot of these different habits, and they just made like profound differences. And it wasn't like any one day, right? It was the, I think it was the cumulative. You were constantly learning. It was impactful. But the thing with habits and rituals is like, the more you work them, the more solid the foundation, the more you see these huge, huge benefits. And I was, I was talking when I'm doing keynote talks, I was talking about how like, there comes a point in the talk where I'm talking about the compounding nature of habits.” “And Brian Tracy, who's like an expert in goal setting and working with people says like, if you'll work a habit, most people don't want to do this, but if you want, if you'll work a good habit for like five to 10 years, you'll be like a thousand times better. Like nobody really wants to fully engage in that type of commitment. But I remember when I first heard that, I'm like, oh, that's crazy. A thousand times better. Like, how do you calculate that? And I don't think you can calculate that. But from all my experiences from the habits that I've worked, which I've worked for a lot of years, I believe the thousand percent. Like I believe I've gotten so much better because the cumulative effect. Because when you do stuff like wake up in the morning and read, there's the impact of like what you read and able to apply that.” “But there's also the fact that you start to wake up and to become more positive. And as you're more positive, you're lowering cortisol in your bloodstream. You're generating more positive frequencies in your day. You're thinking more positively. And the transformative effect when you pick the right habits and you do them the right way, is like you just turn into a different person. So I think the compounding nature is like we have the power to wake up and most of us, I don't like rituals. Well, all people have rituals. They just have rituals often that aren't super productive. They're like, I don't like rituals, but they get up and they use their phone to the tune of 6, 8, 9, 10 hours a day.” “And it's actually wreaking havoc on people's lives and their health. And so I just am a big believer in choosing habits that will help you be like the highest version of yourself. And man, we can do that. It's just, it's really amazing. I think what you start to love is just like the person you're becoming. And I think that's like a really, really important part of like living is making sure we're doing that. 

 

Trae:  Wow, that's awesome, man. So for our listeners out there, what is something that they can practically apply so that they can start doing these habits now? I know if they, if someone wants to wake up at five in the morning, I'm assuming that you probably went to bed around 9:30 or 10.” “What are some practical ways that they can actually apply these habits and it can be sustainable so it doesn't just go away right off the rip?” 

 

Coyte: “Yeah, that's a really good question because when I first started doing habits, I didn't realize it but I kind of went, I went at them the wrong way. And I think this is very common in our society. We look at a habit, we're like, oh that I should probably do that. Or you might even be excited to do that. And then you don't do anything to set it up. And then you go into it and there's some very, very common mistakes in habits. Meaning, and I teach what's called like a 3P free formula in everything that I do. And the reason why I teach that is because there's three common mistakes that people make when they go into habits. And it ends up meaning at some point, they stumble and they fail.” “Number one is they don't prime their habits, right? They don't actually sit down and think about how it could change their lives, the benefits it could bring them, the person it could help them become. We just start and we go, I should probably do this, or I think I might do this. And so it's not terrible, but anytime we go in and we go, we should do something, it tends to have like a lower tone to it. So anytime you have obligation, from the brain, that's actually pain to our brain, right? In any habit, if not positioned right, most of the time when you're busy, your brain will by default see it as an obligation, and that's pain, right? And so we want to be aware of that, because the more pain we stack with anything, the more your brain is going to look for an out with it. So what I try to do is I try to flip that. So let me go through the last two and then I'll tell you how we use this.” “The second is plan. In America, we're really big on as much as possible, as soon as possible, go out and do it. It doesn't matter if you feel like it. So we create these plans where we actually overdo it, right? We want to work out, we get to New Year's, and we go to like, we're not even in shape, and we go to like a CrossFit place, and we think that's good. And then we can't walk for like two weeks, and we get done with the workout. And it's like, we don't realize it's a pain to our brain. And then the final thing, which I think is one of the biggest things, is we're hyper critical. And so I teach a lot, the third P is like praise, right? Making sure there's positivity around your habits. Most every athlete that I work with before we work on this goes to this tune of like, they'll go out, they'll actually be fairly effective. A lot of the time, they'll start to work something like meditation, and they'll string together 2 days, 3 days, 4 days, 5 days, some of them, 7 days, 14, 21 straight.” “And they literally say nothing to themselves when they do it. But the moment they fall short, they get frustrated, they're critical, they're just are hard on themselves. And again, that's pain to your brain. Imagine being your brain where you're going into this, and you haven't set it up to be something that's primed right. Your plan is like overbearing. You go through and you're following through for a certain amount of days, but there's no pleasure and all you do is give it pain. I typically, your brain is looking for it out as soon as possible. So what I teach to be great with habits is number one, always prime it. Do not start a habit because somebody tells you to, or because you're listening to it and you feel like you should actually sit down and say, okay, I'm intrigued by this, but go look at the benefits.” “And if you look at something like meditation, and the nasal breathing that can come with it, you'll go, oh my goodness, the ability to reduce stress, the ability to drive focus, the ability to increase the energy in my body. And then you start to make it more personal. You go, wow, this could make me better energy in my classes, better energy in my practice. I could dial in my focus. I could minimize nerves so I can go out and perform to my potential. At some point, you'll be like, oh dang, like I'm like legit excited for this. That's associating pleasure. Once you've done that, and I'm kind of a weirdo, like I will literally look it up and feel the point where I'm like, why would I not do this habit? This habit is about to change my life. And I'm like super excited for it. Then I come along with my plan. And I used to think, again, if somebody's doing it for 30 minutes, like meditation, start with 30 minutes.” “I tell my clients, I'm like, no, no, no, don't do that. Start with something again, like when it comes to your plan, number one, pick something that you look at that you go, okay, that's very reasonable within my schedule. Like I think I could have a high success rate with that. It's an amount that I could really look forward to. You know, and then you can dial in the details of like the time and the location. But then I tell them, once you know that, right? Once you know why you're doing it, you're excited, and you have a plan, then as soon as you do it, like day number one, the third P is praise. And I say, celebrate and credit. And this will feel weird, right? Like people are not used to doing this, but I tell them, celebration is this, right? When you finish something like meditation, physiologically, if you move your body in certain manners, you're going to release feel good hormones in your body. When you do, your brain is going to go, okay, what did that?” “And if you do something like move your body, you clap, you flex, you nod, you smile, you're going to release that in your bloodstream, and your brain is going to look and say what caused it, and it's going to go to the meditation. And you say, well, you might be hacking your brain. We are, there are benefits with meditation that you will realize, but to associate pleasure right off the bat is super important. The credit part is the second part. Once we've clapped, once we've nodded, once we've smiled, I tell them to go, okay, that's one step closer to, and fill in the blank. Whatever you put in your prime and your benefits, you go, yep, that's one step closer to being super calm, super composed, and able to rise up in big moments. You're doing two things. Number one, you're associating massive pleasure with what you're doing. Number two, you're starting to build confidence.” “And sometimes I'll have people go, well, Coyte, that kind of feels a little bit weird. And I'm like, I get it. But I ask them, like, how many times in a day or a week do you not do something and then run a critical dialogue? How many times do you slump your shoulders when that happens? It's not weird for you to do that, but it's weird to give positive. And usually it's to the tune, most people it's five to ten to one, negative to positive. And I say we need to be five to ten to one in favor of positive to the point where we eliminate negative. And when you do, it's super profound. When you do something like that, it's something like a habit. What happens is you're associating pleasure, you're minimizing pain. The more you rise up the pleasure and the more you minimize the pain, your brain freaking loves the habit. And then it's like second nature.” “Like I've meditated probably four years straight, never missed a day. And it's not me bragging. I don't think I'm any better than anybody else. But I've worked this to where my brain loves it so much, it literally moves towards it with no effort. And I get all the benefits of a world-class habit. So I'm just a big believer, set your habits up right. Because if you're going to do a world-class habit, don't grit and grind at it. It's not necessary. Like learn to love it. And then when you've got that, it's like magic.  

 

Trae: Wow. That's big time, man. That's, it's actually funny that you said all this because my coach for our team, he talks about it all the time before our game.” “The very last thing he says is, boys, we're going to go out there and we're going to play with elite thankfulness, and we're going to play with elite joy. And then I combat that with him with Psalms 104, which says, enter thy gates with thanksgiving and thy courts with praise. I think gratitude is so critical, and what you just said was awesome, man.” “I love it. But before we wrap up, is there anything else that you'd like to share? I know you probably hit on everything thus far, but is there anything else that you'd like to share? Any personal stuff or anything at all?” 

 

Coyte: “Well, yeah, the one thing we, I mentioned it, that's a really, really big piece, like that, that probably the most important piece, one of the most important pieces, what I'm working with any clients, especially in that out athlete realm is like, one of the most common barriers today is like its fear, right? So we've already talked about, I told you like, we need to make sure that we're eliminating the disappointment, the frustration, crazy common among people. But you have to learn how to work with emotions. Like we're the type in our society where we're like, just tuck it down. We don't need to deal with it. We don't need to talk about it. But I teach my athletes the opposite, right? I teach them how to like lean in and understand what's going on in their body. We often go, oh, well, I just have all this anxiety. We have this blanket term. Most of the time to me, when I'm working with somebody, they have anxiety, they have fear. They have fear of certain things.” “And rather than sit on that, I teach them like, I call it walk down your fears, right? I say, like an athlete comes to me and they're like, like I'm really, like I feel nervous. I feel angst. I'm just describing to me like when my heart rate's picked up, my hands are cold, my mind is racing. And I'm like, you have fear, right? And so what I often tell them, and I've got like a specific process, like these three hours that I work through, but I don't have to go as much in detail on those. But often what I tell them that helps them is this. I go, okay, what are you afraid of? And they're like, and most coaches are like, oh, no, we don't do fears. Leave it alone. We don't. And I used to do that. And then I realized it's not useful. And so I'll go, what are you afraid of? And they're like, well, I'm afraid of making a mistake. I'm like, oh, okay, well, is that what you're afraid of? Or is there something deeper, further? And they're like, well, I guess now that you say it, I'm afraid “of? And they're like, well, I'm afraid of making a mistake. I'm like, oh, okay, well, is that what you're afraid of? Or is there something deeper, further? And they're like, well, I guess now that you say it, I'm afraid of losing.” “And I'll often go, okay, like, is losing what you're afraid of? Because I actually know people who lose, and they totally are fine with it. Are you sure it's losing you're afraid of? And it takes a little bit of time. They're like, I guess what I'm really afraid of is like being embarrassed, feeling that embarrassment, feeling the disappointment. Like there's crazy common responses. And the thing I tell them is those things are learned though. And so what's really cool about any emotion, whether we call it like embarrassment, fear, disappointment, a lot of the patterns that we get stuck in is like you can totally work your way out of them. And so, but I will say this, the moment somebody acknowledges their fear and they know where it comes from, it lowers it rather than avoiding it.” “But then if you can take a combination of learning how to like process an emotion, any emotion you study this can be processed anywhere from like seconds to minutes. And I know some things are super hard to get out of, but most of the things that I'm seeing athletes and students go through, they go out, they do their best, they fall short on an exam, and then they feel disappointed. They, being proactive in that space and learning how to work with that is like really, really game changing. So that, that would be kind of one of the biggest things I just encourage people to do is don't, don't fall into the pattern of moving away from that, actually leading it and working that space. Because once you do, like when you start to process out counterproductive patterns and you can replace them with like more optimal ones, man, life can be like really cool, like really enjoyable.” 

 

Trae: “That's awesome, man. That's, that's big time. Well, Coyte, we really appreciate you coming on today. Where can listeners connect with you and learn more about your work?” 

 

Coyte: “Yeah, I mean, yeah, the one, the one cool thing about having a name like mine is, I think I'm the only one I've ever met. And so it's, it's Coyte Cooper. It's C-O-Y-T-E-C-O-O-P-E-R. As long as you don't put the second O and make it Coyote, it's pretty easy. Like I'm the only like Coyte Cooper. So, you know, if you want to reach out on social media or go to my website and get my contact information, you can reach out. Like, yeah, if there's anything I can help you with, just hit me up and write me.” 

 

Brooke: “Perfect. Well, thank you so much for joining us today. We really appreciate your time. We gained a lot of valuable insights today. And we would love to follow up with you. Here's some more.” 

 

Coyte: Sounds Good, Yeah. Thanks so much for having me.  And I appreciate what you do. 

 

Everyone: Thank you so much.